Rookie Endurance Championship 2013, Rd.6

July 13, 2013
Eddie Hall

I spent ages trying to come up with an intro for this race report. Partly because I was fresh out of inspiration and partly because such a long time has passed since the race actually took place I’d completely forgotten what had happened. So I went out for a walk to try and get some oxygen to my brain. Whilst out, I came up behind a very unusual couple. What was unusual about them was the size difference. The woman was about 9 feet tall and at least 12 feet wide. Her hands were bigger than my torso and she really shouldn’t have been wearing a skirt that short. The guy was about 4 feet tall, only weighed about 3 stone and was – what I would consider to be – a bit camp. He was being practically dragged along by his Amazonian girlfriend who was talking very loudly and constantly talking over him. The guy didn’ty seem to mind. If anything, he seemed to be enjoying it. I came to the conclusion that he probably liked being dominated. She certainly seemed to be the dominant type.

On the subject of domination, it has been a very dominant first half of the season for Team DGB. With four wins and a second place from the first five races, Chris Brown (who is clearly the butch in the relationship) and Chris Dean (obviously his bitch) have frankly spanked the opposition.

This dominance continued at Whilton Mill as they stormed to yet another pole position. Dastardly and Mutley’s, who held pole for the first half of qualifying, lined up alongside the champions elect with Slickspeed and The Brothers Grimm on row two. DOT Racing and Moriwaki were on row three with G3 another team in the running.

Chris “the butch” Brown was cagey about his team’s chances and wasn’t relishing the prospect of racing in such extreme conditions.

“I’ve got to be honest, I’m really struggling with the heat. I was really surprised when my team mate told me we had pole. I just hope I can last the race because it’s really hot and I’ve got blisters on my hands through too much vigorous masturbating. It’s going to be hard.”

Genuinely hoping he was talking about the race being hard and nothing else, I left him to get ready, and washed my hands just to be on the safe side.

The Brothers Grimm went off at the start but the leaders got away well. A rather aggressive start by Brown saw him make contact with two other karts and he was lucky not to get a penalty. Despite this, he quickly built up a gap to the rest of the field.

Dastardly and Mutley’s were comfortably in second with Team G3 third and fending off the attentions of Slickspeed and DOT Racing. The Brothers Grimm were making short work of the rest as they charged up from their poor start and were up to fourth by the time the first pit window closed.

As is often the case, the rookie teams spread out evenly over the course of the race. During the second stint, Team DGB held a comfortable lead over Dastardly and Mutley’s who, in turn, had a comfortable gap over Team G3. However, the charging Brothers Grimm continued to work their way up the order and were second by the time the second fuel window closed. During the middle of the race, an exciting battle developed between the Brothers Grimm and Dastardly and Mutley’s. Behind this battle, Slickspeed had worked their way into a comfortable fourth with Moriwaki and DOT Racing clear of Team G3 who suffered a broken chain and dropped out of contention. Mobile Chicane, Crash Test Dummies, All Torque, Accentric Peddlers and Mobile Chicane II made up the rest of the places.

As the race wore on, Team DGB continued – as they have all year – to lead the way. The battle was still alive between The Brothers Grimm. With traffic also coming into play, the Brothers Grimm started eating into Dastardly’s lead but in the closing stages, they encountered the same traffic themselves and the gap stabilized. Further up front, Team DGB continued on their merry way. At the flag, it was another easy win for them. Dastardly and Mutley’s just managed to hold off Brothers Grimm for second by two tenths of a second.

Chris Dean was delighted with yeat another win, almost admitting the championship is now a foregone conclusion.

“It’s really hot and it was very difficult. Fortunately we built up enough of a lead in the early stages to be able to take it easy towards the end so that was good. It’s definitely looking good for the championship now and we have to focus on that for the remaining races.”

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